I drive my kids around for millions of hours per week. While in transit a couple of days ago I stopped next to a young girl in a small white two-door car. She looked fourteen. Not only did her youth disturb me but she was on the phone, filing her nails, and had one foot in her seat, leaving only one out of four limbs apparently in control of her driving skills. I looked at my youngest sons face in my rear view mirror. I work constantly at protecting my children – at maintaining their physical, emotional and mental well-being. Yet I had strapped him into my car and drove him onto the same highway with potentially irresponsible, deadly drivers.
As we sat 5 yards away from one of them I briefly contemplated what to do. Should I get out of my car and rap on her window and explain driving safety to her? I would call her mother if I knew her. That is usually the best guarantee to resolve any issue I have found. Since her number wasn’t anywhere on her daughter’s car I continued my deliberation. I considered getting her license number and calling the police. Then I saw myself in that car 20 years ago and a little mercy lightened my judgment of her. Should I pull in to the nearest gas station and wait for her to clear our path before we continued? But who is to say the driver in the van behind me isn’t texting someone, or the one in the semi in front of me isn’t driving on little or no sleep? I had never considered the risk I took everyday just driving my children around to their schools and practices.
I suddenly became acutely aware of my responsibility on the road, not only for my precious cargo – but for the family in the car behind the multi-tasking driving nightmare, and for her as well – she had a mother somewhere – I just wish I knew her number. Relationships are just as risky – and it’s vital to assume responsibility for our part in them. Whether we accept our responsibility or deny it impacts everyone around us. It is terrifying as a parent to see how much our children are influenced by our relationships. I could see my son’s eyes growing heavy.
Those same eyes set and turn to steel anytime he hears “Eye of the Tiger”. My five year old loves Rocky – and he loves to box. For his birthday, grandparents decked the kid out in all kinds of boxing equipment – complete with the shorts and robe. For fun, we put the gloves on both him and our twelve-year-old son and put them in the middle of the living room. We have a few basic rules…the 12 year old has to box on his knees and he has to remember his brother is only 5. We turn the “Eye of the Tiger” on as loud as we can and let them go at it. It’s humorous and a little painful to watch the youngest one waylay the older one who works really hard to not hurt him. Watching, we all know the older one isn’t going to do anything to hurt his little brother. We know if he wanted to, he could hit him hard enough to make him never want to box again. But we trust him. He’s proven he cares about his sibling, and that he is responsible enough to take the risk of being hurt in order to be an equal opponent for him to box. The goal for him is not to prove anything to his little brother or to us, but to participate in a relationship with him. He knows that if he wants to box with him, he must not exert his own power to dominate him.
It’s easy to forget that the goal in a relationship is not proving anything to anyone, and its not exerting our own power and control over another just because we can. It’s a risk – and it means laying down our own rights in order to protect the relationship. But that the only way a healthy relationship can occur is when we accept our responsibility in it. In some relationships, like the one between these two brothers, one might have to accept much more responsibility than the other – because they can, because they are able to.
I don’t know any relationship that works in the 50 to 50 ratio. In every relationship I know (whether its spouses, siblings, friends, cousins etc.), one partner usually always gives more than the other. In my marriage – although we both really do give our all, my husband is the one who gives more to our relationship. In my relationship with my children – I take the majority of the responsibility – because I can, and because I should. Taking responsibility in a relationship is based on what you are able to give and what you should give just because it is right. It means laying down our rights to do what is right, and respecting the rights of another even at the sake of your own – much like my oldest son, laying down his right to stand and hit many times harder than he does. He takes responsibility – he lays down his rights to do what is right by his little brother and to respect the rights of his 5 year old need to be safe and confident that he is loved.
That’s all I really want for him. To be safe and confident that he is loved. What parent wouldn’t want that for their child? And because of that I lay down my rights every day and take up the responsibility of doing what is right for him, respecting his rights as a child, and offering my most valuable possession on his behalf – my heart. It’s a risk. He might forget everything I give him, and might not understand or appreciate it – ever. He might disappoint me, he might not be there for me when I want or need him to be someday.
Either way – if there is any hope for us to have a great relationship in our future – it means right now – I take the risk – and the responsibility because he can’t, and I can. I let the blond driving hazard pass me. My phone rings on the armrest between the seats. I decide to not answer. I checked my hands – 10 and 2. I turned my stereo down. I couldn’t just lock myself away at home with my kids to avoid the potential damage of those who do not take their driving responsibility seriously. It just means I have to take more responsibility for my driving choices.
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